The Rain on Sunny Days

This blog should actually be called the sun on rainy days.  No matter how stressed, worried, scared I am, I have someone who cares for me and makes me smile.  Although it's all still so new, I love everything we do - hiking, running, talking into the wee small hours of the night/early morning.

Thank you!

Stop It

If you don't want anything to do with me,
then why do you keep checking my blog?

And more on the stalker...

Yes, things have turned crazy. And FYI, checking my blog is a violation of the restraining order. Yes, I can see.

And that is why everyone needs a tracker on their blog.

Harassment

This past week has been...interesting, to say the least.  For the first time in my life I've had a real, honest to goodness stalker and harasser.  And it SUCKS.  If you are contacted by Jo-Anne Smith (aka Jo-Anne Clouser) please let me know ASAP.  It sucks living in fear and to be looking over my shoulder all the time, but hopefully it has stopped for good now.

More of the story to come soon...

How a Marathon Changed My Life...

Running has been a Godsend for me.

I never ever not in a million years ever thought I would be a runner. Especially not a distance runner. And yet here I am, an addicted half-marathoner/marathoner. I'm not fast, but I am consistent. And I love it. (Although I still have a very hard time describing myself as a "runner.")

I started running just over a year ago after struggling with some health and emotional issues. I wanted to do something that would help me become physically and emotionally stronger, something just for me. I struggled. A lot. I still struggle! But I somehow started. First with jogging a block, then a bit further and a bit further, one foot in front of the other, and I finally made it to a mile. It took time (okay, weeks!), but I got there. It was like I had done the impossible. I was a running queen! A mile? Take that, lazy mindset! I'd go to the beach and run along the Strand, listening to the ocean waves and watching the planes take off from LAX. I tasted victory and self-confidence, a wonderful gift indeed.

So I kept going. I shot for a 5k. That seemed impossibly far - 3.1 miles? No way. And yet (although it took me a long time) I got there. I ran and ran and ran until I could make it that far. I made a running music playlist and found strength in my music, strength that helped me to push through the desire to quit. I kept wanting to stop, kept telling myself that it was too far, too hard, too much to think I could be strong enough to finish. And then one day, I did finish.

I celebrated another milestone - I could run a 5k! I was a running genius! But quickly that moment passed and I was faced with the question, "Now what?" I could not imagine becoming stagnant. I didn't want to stop since I seemed to have this unaccountable-for motivation to run. Eventually I found my way to the LA Leggers and trained for the LA Marathon, which I completed (not without struggles) in March.

I was told by so many that running a marathon would change my life, but I finished the race, got my medal, and thought, "So what?" I didn't see the excitement; I didn't see yet how it would affect me. I went home, laid on my couch, and just thought I could check running a marathon off of my bucket list.

But then things started to happen.

Post marathon I was in a state of distress and distrust. I was losing touch with myself and my strength. I was forgetting that I am a wonderful woman who deserves love and respect. I forgot about not settling for anything less than the best. My long-term relationship with Crow epically failed. I was lost. I was confused.

I was totally unprepared for what's happened since.

I have re-established relationships with old friends, I have cultivated relationships with new friends, and I found a partner who is custom-made for me. As my Darcy says, "An amazing thing happened on the way to the finish line" - you never know who you'll meet with running a marathon. :)

Yesterday I ran my first race since the marathon - the OC Half Marathon. I've been fighting injuries and a lack of motivation, and I had resigned myself to the likelihood of having to walk, but with love and support, I ran my fastest half marathon yet.  Yes, I PR'd (personal record) after taking a 5 week break from running.

Darcy saw me off, met me halfway, and then ran with me at the end right when I lost the steam and desire to finish strong. I got an amazing hug and beautiful flowers. I realized that my life was no longer turbulent or confusing. I am finally at peace.  I have finally accepted the blessings in my life, opened myself up to the love I deserve, and am surrounded by amazing people.  The support I have from Darcy, from my friends, from my family is the most wonderful gift, and I am in a place to receive love and give love, in a healthy supportive way.

So, my point is, run the damn marathon. It's not too far or too hard. It is a challenge that will change your life!

See you on the pavement.
Rocker

The Art of the Slow Dance

Once again, I apologize for the delay in my submissions to the blog. Although I have been inspired to ponder on many subjects and ideas, I have lacked the motivation and energy to create anything meaningful. And the intent of this blog was never to become a diary (of which it did become) but rather a place to flex my imagination and inspirational thoughts. I am still not 100% focused, so bear with me - it is not going to be my best submission. Sometimes, though, one just needs to start writing something and go from there. Today I want to write about something I've been intending to write about for quite some time - the loss of romance. I don't think everyone has lost the sense of charm and love and seduction, but many have. I have spent a lot time thinking about this, asking why men no longer think about wooing women, why women settle for less than anything than men who show their desire in an open and honest way. Why, in today's society, is it considered okay to casually "hook up" and move on, that it's no longer the norm to date first and have sex later? What happened to flowers and chocolates and love notes? Should we, as a society, consider civility and charm amongst partners an "old fashioned" idea? I say no. But what led to this disintegration of the love affair? The loss of passion and romance? I have a theory, and my theory is this - with the loss of more formal dancing, of slow dancing, we have accepted of the loss of the art of courting and seduction. I'm serious! Think about it. Today's generation goes on to the dance floor and basically simulates the sexual act with unknown partners (or known partners. Either way). There is no thought about asking someone to dance - a man just comes up behind a woman and rubs against her in a most intimate manner and either she rubs back in acceptance or pushes him away, looking for a better suited partner. There are no slow songs, no hints of sexuality, no light brushes against one another, no illicit thoughts flashing through one's mind about the question of what your bodies would feel like pressed against one another. There are no thought like that because today's "dancing" is beyond sexual; it IS sex. Not that I am against dancing - it's fun and energetic and physical. It's fun to let one's hair down and be completely and utterly free from societal restraints. But what about romance? What about the thrill of a man walking up to a woman, asking her, anticipating, the hand reaching out for a hand. I love the thrill of being so close yet feeling so far apart. Recently I was reminded of how exciting and wonderful romance can be. How being offered a hand, feeling a hand on my lower back, a cheek pressed against my cheek, the thrill of the spin, the forced surrender of needing to follow a man's steps, letting go of the need to know the next step because I DON'T know. I just need to trust my partner's lead. Sigh. How awesome (in the true sense of the word) is romance? How sad that this generation seems to be fine with not knowing or believing in romance. It isn't a fairy tale - people still go slowly, fall in love, and dance, both literally and metaphorically.

Where has Rocker been?

I know, I know. I have been derelict in my writing duties. Many of you have thought that I no longer write. But no! Not true! I've just been preoccuppied. With work, you ask? Yes. With friends and family, you ask? Why, yes, that too. With sitting on your bum doing nothing, you ask? Why NO! This may come as a shock, but I have become a running rocker.

Rocker before her first 5k race Yes, I have become a member of a running club (The LA Leggers. LOVE!) and have just completed my first half marathon. And you know what? It felt good because it was easy. I just ran yesterday and am here at work and am relaxed and happy. No aches or pains. Yesterday I wasn't in the best shape, and I didn't know what exhaustion really was (I fell asleep at 8:30!).

But goodness, if anyone had told me that a year ago I'd be competitively running, let alone running at all I would have laughed. Me?!? The girl who hates anything athletic??? And yet here I am! Last year, after some major health problems and some major personal conflicts, I decided I needed something that would keep me fit, active, and sane. And I started running. Ooooo, it was painful to start. I would huff and puff at a quarter of a mile. But for some reason I was determined to keep going. I started running on the treadmill at the gym at work. First getting to a mile, then two. I was so proud. Then I became a Legger and I can't believe the improvement I've made. I ran 12 miles with them two weeks ago, ran my half marathon yesterday, and will run 14 with them next Saturday. And I love it.

Early morning runs on Saturdays. More fun than I first thought!

 It amazes me everytime I finish a run at how easy it is. One foot in front of the other. I'm getting to the point where I can just let my body do all the work and my mind can just run free or I can chat with one of my awesome running partners. The half marathon was RIDICUOUSLY fun. And this coming from someone who still has a hard time labeling herself a "runner." It was the second annual Rock N Roll Los Angeles Half Marathon. We got downtown at 6 am and there were thousands of people, all relaxed and amped for a good time. Every mile or so there was a live band or DJ. There were cheerleaders and random strangers cheering us on, urging us to keep going. And we did. My favorite memory? At around the 10 mile mark, just after running up a steep hill and back across the 6th street bridge, a DJ started playing YMCA. And when it go to the chorus, every runner I could see - those who were strong and those who were struggling - threw up their arms and made the letters. It was so awesome and everyone just lightened up and met each others eyes and got a little bit more energized.

Well, that's not my ONLY favorite memory. At about mile 5 or 6, there was a huge crowd just standing and watching the race. I threw up my arms and yelled at them to start cheering, to tell them we needed them. And they got all pumped up and made such a great joyful noice. An official race photographer jumped out and snapped my picture. Everyone just got really jazzed.  My original time guess was 2:45, but after my training I realized a time of 2:30 was much more realistic. I finished in 2:21. And again, although I now wish I could have broken 2:20, I need to be proud of what I've accomplished and how strong an athlete I'm becoming. Who would have thought I would be a runner??? As a friend in London wrote me today, "I never had you down as a runner, drinking yes, smoking yes, running no." Well, I am definitely no longer a smoker, I rarely drink more than a drink or two a week, but yes, I can finally smile and say (thinking of my awesome half marathon medal), I AM A RUNNER!!!